The Last Night

Sunday 20th August

The last day. I went through late in the afternoon. I intended to go see Whisky Galore at Augustine’s but it was sold out, so we had a wander around the town before the last show.

When you’ve seen a guy on an 8 foot unicycle wearing a black hood on his head juggling machetes and sticks that are on fire you know you’ve finally seen enough street performers.

For the last night we had 17 in. It always amazed Graeme and I that we had decent numbers both nights. If you consider that some shows really struggled to get an audience then we did alright in getting folk through the door.

Graeme’s Dad came back for a second time and brought his Mum with him. Something Graeme was none too happy about. “I’m going to say ‘masturbating’ in front of my Mum”.

We had suggested swapping the parts around for the last night, but decided against it. manly cos we had only a flimsy knowledge of each other’s lines.

The audience seemed to go for it for the most part. You could see that a few people weren’t into it, but there was a decent percentage of the room laughing.

To mark the end of the run Victoria presented me and Graeme with a bottle of malt whisky and Caroline with a Zippo lighter. Caroline is starting at RADA next month doing, I think, a lighting design course. I’m sure she’ll do very well as she’s been very professional and diligent with us.

As a venue Greyfriars Kirk House has been all right. The facilities have been good. The dressing room is fine, the stage, curtains, sound and lighting have all been decent. As a forty seater capacity we never really troubled the fire safety regulations though.

I toasted the end of the run with a Mississippi Mud Pie vodka in Bar Kohl. We made Victoria buy us all something from the chippie in Corstorphine on the way home. A single fish was £3.60.

You will also be glad to know that I have found a new flatmate. She moved in today, immediately taking the vacuum cleaner out of the cupboard and reorganising her room.

The last batch of photographs are up on my Flickr page.

All in all it’s been a fun two weeks. Although the show wasn’t the best and met with some heavy criticism it’s been a good experience and I’ve learned a lot over the fortnight. I do plan to come back with You Owe Me Glue and perhaps something else in 50 weeks time.

Tom’s Fringe in Numbers

People who came to see Trans-Canada Highway – 179
Number of walk outs - 2
Times the staff in Greyfriars Kirk House café got my order wrong – 20 (conservative estimate)
Times I saw Big Keith from The Office playing the puggy in Rush – 6
Times I saw Big Keith from The Office somewhere else – 1 (on Leith Walk)
Times I saw David McSavage insult passers by while doing his show on the street – 4
Stand-up gigs I performed – 2
Times I played a rabbit – 1
Times I played a polar bear – 13
Times I was asked to ‘get me the polar bear costume’ - 3

A Herring, a Mosque and Was That a Spontaneous Round of Applause?

Saturday 19th August

I had another gig as part of Kill the Monster at Lindsay's. This is a nice wee venue. It looks more like a hotel than a pub and there is a bar upstairs, a beer garden and a nice little basement.

After an audience of about 8 on Thursday I was surprised to find quite a few folk when I went in. The crowd then swelled to a standing room only audience. There must have been about 45-50 folk in this little room.

The reason may have been that, in addition to me, the bill also included Richard Herring. He waited 'backstage', really a cubby hole, with a black curtain over it, though you could easily see through it. He opened the show and did a fair amount of gutter level material. He apologised for being hungover, as he effortlessly mined parts of his current show, Menage an Un.

Some folk, like Stanhope for example, can do material that might offend folk, but have a point. Herring is one of those kind of comics who'll say stuff pretty much cos he knows it will offend people. He asked Jim, who was running the gig, how long he had after he delivered a joke that ended with the punchline, 'the stab wound in the stomach'. Jim told him it was about time to wrap up, which led to a humourous rant about ending his set on 'the stab wound in the stomach'.

The Toothpaste Expedition were on next. A character double act, their routine seemed to be short on jokes. I've seen one of them before at The Stand in Glasgow and he did a few of his Steven Wright styled one-liners here as well. They're going for the 'weird' end of the comedy market and although some folk will love it, I think that style potentially alianates some people.

I was up next and was much better than on Thursday. The audience seemed to go for my patter. It was one of the rare times when I was up there that I was actually really enjoying it.

After me there was Vikki Stone. A former backing singer for Elton John, she was pretty funny. Her routine was mainly based around her attempts at weight loss (as part of mine was). This involved her ending her set singing a song while eating a packet of jaffa cakes.

Finishing the show was Niall Browne a Northern Irish comedian based in Edinburgh. in in all it was a very good wee gig.

For tea I led Graeme to the Mosque Kitchen off West Nicholson Street, behind Edinburgh Central Mosque in Potterrow. Long tables and plasti chairs are set up outside. In a small kitchen you take your choice and it gets heaped onto your deep plastic plate. We both had chicken, rice and vegetables for £3.50. The food was first class and came in a huge portion. It was one of the best meals I've had in ages and when you're next in Edinburgh you should pop by.

Victoria had been doing an interview on Festival FM to promote the show. Caroline had went along with her. I understand that on this interview she mocked Graeme and I's attempts at flyering. She also told the interviewer that she was going to put 'Weird' - The Scotsman, on the flyers. To which he replied, "but you'd have to add 'not in a good way'". What's 'good weird' anyway? Being touched up by a stranger in a cinema?

We had 17 through the door for tonight's show. A bunch of girls from Graeme's work had come through from Glasgow. They roared with laughter through the whole thing. They even burst into a spontaneous round of applause at one point. To be fair a few other folk seemed to be enjoying it as well.

We went for a few drinks afterwards. Only one show left now.

"Can We Not Just Cancel This Shite?"

Friday 18th August

Today was the first day of really bad rain during the festival. Luckily I had the foresight to purchase a £2 polly bag poncho from a sports shop on Rose Street. So that made me slightly less wetter, if more stupid looking.

After trudging around in the wet for a while I went to see the play that Viv's in Falling For Grace at the Cafe Royal. Written by comedian Keir McAllister, it's about two men who find themselves on a multi-storey car park roof, each about to kill themselves. Viv is in it for about the last 15 minutes.

Some of you may know that I absolutely hated Tinsel Town when it was on telly about 6 years ago. If you don't remember it, it was a pointless drama about clubbing, set in Glasgow. It addressed every stereotype available and was an affront to the licence payer. Easily one of the worst things ever put on television. Well, this play featured David Paisley, one of the actors from Tinsel Town. I think he played the young gay guy who went out with the Policeman (who was struggling with his sexuality). The other male in the cast, Paul Pirie, really held it together for me. Even when he wasn't saying anything I was watching him to see what he would do.

It was a decent production, with a couple of twists, though you probably could see them coming if you were looking. It comes apart a little bit towards the end, as some of the characters reactions to situations stop becoming believable.

From there our cast met up at the Greyfriars Kirk House cafe. Victoria was worried about the reaction to the show over the last couple of nights. She insited to Graeme and I that "We have a funny show guys". To which Graeme replied, "You're delusional!" He went on to elaborate that the show was crap and that she should take a look at herself.

As you may imagine this wasn't met with the enthusatic response Graeme perhaps was looking for. I took a step back from proceedings and let them come to the realisation that there was only 3 more shows to go and may as well make the most of it.

I stopped to speak to Nadia from Staggered Spaces, to tell her I enjoyed their show. They had a 2 star review from The Scotsman, though the reviewer seemed to miss some of the point of the show. Victoria then flyered her for our show, which Nadia thought she could make. I'm not sure if she thought I was joking as I furiously signalled 'No. Don''t come.' Victoria did tell her that "It's not the same comedy as yours". To which I asked, "By that do you mean it's not funny?" Vic knows we're joking...

We went in to see the show that's on before ours, Anyway, a Scottish play that was based on a sketch that was at one time part of the radio series Velvet Cabaret. It centres round a core group of friends, three girls, all of whom have the usual girl troubles; men, weight etc.

There were a couple of good one-liners and the cast were all very good. It was nothing more than all right for me though.

At 8pm just as we were about to take the stage to our audience of six, Graeme turned to Victoria and said, "Can we not just cancel this shite?"

Our audience included Graeme's brother, who had turned up late and Jennifer and Simone who had come to see me. Thank goodness they did as they practically cheerled the laughter all throughout.

Jennifer managed to upstage us all by laughing so hard at one point that she smashed her head off the chair in front of her. Caroline on the lights was still laughing about that after the show ended.

The performance was fine, no big glitches or anything. We also appear to have a positive review om the Ed Fringe website. It's fair enough as people in the audience over the run have enjoyed it. It might have a lot of flaws, but it's not a complete laugh-free mess, as some critics may have you believe.

Still only 2 more shows to go.

Jambalaya, Canadian Girls, Texts

Thursday 17th August
Jo came through with me this morning. We went to see Momma Cherri's show in the Pleasance Dome, which kicks off at 11.30am.

The show starts in the cafe part of the venue, before moving up to the theatre. We begin with a bit of history of how soul food came about. Momma then shows us how to make jambalaya. After that we head up to the theatre to hear about her experiences with Gordon Ramsay.

The most interesting fact in this for me was that 10 minutes into that programme being shown, she had received 350 e-mails for bookings. To close with she did some gospel singing. It just so happened that the DC Youth Ensemble were in the audience and they asked if they could perform a song. So the show closed with a full gospel choir. It was pretty good and sent us both out smiling. As part of the deal we also got a free bowl of jambalaya, which went down well.

I let Jo go off to see some fancy show (the name of which escapes me) that she got a free ticket for. I went to the VIP bar in the Assembly Rooms to meet with a nice woman from Fremantle Media.

I chatted to her about You Owe Me Glue and gave her some scripts to read and some DVDs to watch. We seemed to spend as much time talking about football as comedy though.

From there I went to Lindsay's to do a spot in Kill the Monster. The basement in Lindsay's is a nice little venue. I was on with Padraig Hyland, Rowan Campbell and The Toothpaste Expedition, though I left just as the Toothpaste guys got started. The funniest part of the show for me was when an elderly couple wandered in during Rowan's set. He then carried on as if he was doing a faith healer show. Carried on for several minutes.

It was a pretty small audience and I was happy to get a few laughs out of my 7 and a half minutes. I'm back here in a couple of days so I'll see if I get any better.

After watching a guy fall through the chair he was sitting on at the Pleasance, we went to Tempting Tattie for tea. I always like to go in there when I'm in Edinburgh. I lived just along the street and although it's not as good as it used to be it still offers good value for money.

Onto Greyfriars Kirk House and another performance. We only had 8 in tonight, including Jo, 2 Canadian girls and Victoria's boyfriend who has seen the show now 6 times.

Tonight was worse than last night. I think you could count the total laughs on one hand. The Canadian girls walked out just as Victoria began her second monologue. It really is staring to become a chore. It's not so bad when the folk in seem to be going for it, but it's hit and miss each night as to whether we get a few laughs or look out to see several bored looking folk scowling at us.

After a quick drink to drown our sorrows, Jo and I went on to David O'Doherty is my Name at the Assembly Rooms. Over the last year or so DOD has become one of my favourite comics. Tonight's show was excellent with entertaining ad libs, well written material and some funny songs.

He also suffered a few walk outs. One guy left through the fire escape then seemed to get trapped between that door and the next door. Someone else shuffled past him on the stage while saying "I'm going to miss my train."

He plays his songs on a couple of cheesy keyboards and my favourite was probably 'Sent a Text to the Person the Text was About'. He's definitely worth spending money to go to see.

Vaginal Eel

Wednesday 16th August

We went to see a play in the venue above ours. Staggered Spaces is a two hander about a couple who have split up but are discussing getting back together again. It's more interesting than it sounds. I hate to call things 'surreal', but this did have the odd surreal moment, with talking cheese sandwiches and fantasy sequences mixing in with the narravtive.

The two performers, both annoningly young were very good with Nadia (even the websiste doesn't seem to have her second name) in particular being exc ellent, providing a very natural performance, even when proceedings got a bit odd. There was some good physical stuff too, as well as a funny line about a vaginal eel, hence the title. I just liked it.

After that Graeme and I went to get some of Momma Cherri's cooking at the Pleasance Dome. You'll recognise Momma Cherri from her appearance on Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares. She has a show on (more about that later) but she is also providing all the food at the venue. She serves you herself and jokingly berated the guy assisting her for not giving Graeme a big enough portion. "You have to measure the portion to the size of the man! He's a big man, so he gets a big portion".

We then went to the Meadow Bar to see one of the many free shows on the Fringe. Kevin Shepherd's Comics Die in Hot Cars was part stand up part documentary. Kevin is a jobbing comedian from London, working the circuit for 8 years. He put a video camera in the front seat of his car and filmed the many comics he provided lifts to and from gigs.

I totally admire the fact that he tried something this ambitious, when he could just have told an hour's worth of material culled form his years in the business. It has a few funny moments in it, like Jimmy Carr commenting, "Thanks for the lift, but this car's a piece of shit". However a lot of it is comedians you don't know unless you read Chortle, laughing at their own jokes.

The premise 'behind the scenes of the jobbing comic' doesn't seem to provide enough insight or laughs for it to have been fully successful, but it made for a diverting hour. Maybe if he goes for a bit more of a comprehensive access all areas style next time it might be a winner. That said though, it was a free show and he did put a lot of work into it.

Tonight was the 9th performance of Trans-Canada Highway amd we had 20 folk thorugh the door. This included Fraser and the other guys from work and Viv Gee. As far as I was concerned the show was terrible. It fell very flat early on.

Normally from backstage I can tell from the opening monologue how the show is going to be received. If the early lines get laughs then it seems to go down okay. If there's no laughs then we're in for a long night.

A long night it was. Victoria thought it went okay, but Graeme and I thought it was very poor.

We went for a drink at the Hebrides. Victoria asked Graeme from work, if, as a Canadian, he liked it. "Aaaah, no," was Graeme's reply. "It had no sense of place". Graeme really isn't a guy to sit on the fence and I wouldn't have expected him to have been anything other than honest when asked about it.

After a few drinks we walked the mile or two to Tollcross to get JOhn's car. We then headed out towards Balerno, until after driving up a country road, John decided he'd gone too far in the wrong direction.

"This is maybe the wrong time to tell you guys this, but I've got night blindness". I appreciated them all coming out, especially when you consider they didn't expect to enjoy it.

In flatmate news we have someone interested, I just haven't met her as yet.

In a Hurry

No update from me today, as I am really busy with shows, meetings and performances. I'll update Wednesday and Thursday for you all tomorrow.

A Gameshow Host, A Politician & a Man Laughing

Tuesday 15th August

We started off by going to Devlin's Daily at The Stand. First on the bill was Fringe favourite Simon Munnery. He was okay, but was only on for about ten minutes. I saw him several years ago, when he was performing The League Against Tedium and I really hated him, but on today's showing he was quite good.

He was punting a small book of his jokes that had been put together. It was amusing as he picked several of them to tell, "No. I'll find a funny one...No, this one...no...ah this one..."

Next up was Frank Sanazi and the Iraq Pack. This was a guy doing Hitler as Frank Sinatra. He was then joined by a guy in his pants doing Saddam Hussein as Sammy Davis Jnr. I don't think I need explain more.

The we had Network of Stuff, a theatre company who acted out scenarios with mime and big sound effects. They were miming along to what appeared to be a backing track, but at the end when we discovered it was an offstage cast member doing all the voices and sound effects, it was more impressive. What I found notable was that the two guys onstage looked completely like cartoon characters.

After that we had Scotsman Vladimir McTavish on to do his twenty minutes. His best bit, for me, was about the woman having to stand outside the massage parlour to smoke.

The lunchtime show at The Stand is free and is well worth a pop in.

From there we went in to Mark Watson's Seemingly Impossible 36-Hour Circuit Of The World. It started at noon on Monday. For £4 you can wander in and out as often as you like. The format of the show sees Mark 'visit' a country and do some material on each one.

The audience, who Mark seemed to know all by name, join in on various tasks throughout the show. One such task was sending an audience member as far away as possible and back again during the course of the show. He would call in to update his progress and Mark and the audience would advise him on the best train route to take or the cheapest rail ticket to buy.

Some of the hard-core members of the audience (a few folk were in for the duration) and members of Watson's little team of helpers had put bets on a number of horse races throughout the day. And at regular intervals we would get the racing results.

Lots of other comedians and guests wander in and out willy-nilly. In the time that we were there we saw Adam Hills, Brendon Burns, Tim Key from Cowards, Karl Spain and Arthur Smith. Cook Momma Cherrie popped in and Popworld's Simon Amstell was also in the audience.

There was also free Red Bull given out by a couple of Red Bull promo girls and free lollipops provided by an American girl claiming to be Lithuaniann promoting her own show. Adam Hills also ordered a pizza to be delivered to friends in Melbourne.

The big task in the time that we were there was how to track down Les Dennis. It was unclear for a while where he was and if he would appear. Tim Key tracked down a comedian who was with Les and suddenly it was looking like it was possible. One slight snag we were told. Les came to see Watson's regular show and 'didn't really like it'.

A member of Watson's crew of helpers was dispatched to get hold of Les and bring him to the Pleasance Dome. In the meantime Tim Key worked on a song to greet him. It went "Les Dennis, Les Dennis, A Gameshow Host, An Actor and a Les Dennis. Les Dennis, Les Dennis, A Gameshow Host, An Actor and we hope he likes this."

When Les arrived he was greeted by a standing ovation and the entire room singing the song in his honour. The look of bafflement on his face was a picture. All throughout his appearance he seemed never to be sure if people genuinely liked him or were taking the piss.

Mark Watson had decided not to mention that he knew Les had seen him. But the former host of Family Fortunes jumped in, "I saw you the other night and you were fantastic." This had the room in fits of laughter and for several minutes Les looked, to quote Bill Hicks, like a dog being shown a card trick, as he attempted to work out what was so funny. He was happily game for a laugh, among other thngs, revealing that his real name is Lesley Heseltine.

Watson's show was unbelievably ambitious. The segment I saw went from being quite good to mildly diverting to hugely entertaining with the whole Les Dennis thing.

After here I left to head for The 3 Tuns for Get Up Stand Up. I've played the 3 Tuns a few times on their stand-up nights and although I've went over well a couple of times, it's an odd room and not one I would really except to establish itself as a top comedy club.

So I was a little surprised to find myself queuing to get in. The reason for the queue was that we were there to see Tony Benn. Richard Herring was also on, so I thought that a good double bill.

There seemed to be some confusion over how many people they could let in and how long they would wait for those with tickets to arrive. After more than half an hour the organisers announced they would let the next 13 people in and that was it. Luckily I was ninth in the queue and squeezed my way in. They waived the 3 quid entrance fee because we had waited so long.

The layout of the room has now changed with the stage at the right hand side of the room, instead of right at the front door. The place was absolutely heaving. Although he is now 81 Tony Benn is still a captivating speaker. He was of course speaking to a crowd completely on his side, but it was a very enlightening and entertaining half hour.

He spoke about his time in the Seocnd World War, of how governments keep people in fear in order to pass all the laws they want, and spoke positively about how today's youth has the power to end all the lies and the bloodshed.

He received an absolutely heroic reception and people stopped him to take pictures, shake his hand and get his autograph as he was leaving. Although a lot of people left after he did I decided not to bother hanging around another hour for 15 mins of Richard Herring.

As I left Tony Benn was stopped on the stairs by people wanting him to sign a petition and enter into an impromptu debate. Where else but the Edinburgh Festival can you see both Les Dennis and Tony Benn be hailed as heroes in the space of an hour?

Here's The Scotsman on Tony Benn's appearance at the book festival.

Victoria seemed only slightly put out by the scathing reviews of the last few days, but on the whole she seemed unaffected. The power of the press or not, we had 22 folk through the door tonight, the highest of the whole run.

It has to be said that they pretty much laughed throughout the whole thing. Big belly laughs in some places. I got some good laughs early on with some face pulling. An ad-lib from me though seemed to get the biggest laugh of the evening.

The 'trouble scene', which is actually scene 4. I think I said scene 2 previously. Scene 4 is better than before but just too short. It needs another couple of minutes.

The last major scene went over well, although someone (not naming names) forgot their lines at one point and although I felt that moment of 'Who's line is it?' I don't think the audience could see it.

One audience member in the front row must have been on his first night out for 20 years as he laughed his guts up the whole night. One of those kind of laughs that makes you think 'what the fuck is wrong with him?' But the crowd seemed to enjoy it.

Just to remind all you readers, my Flickr page gets updated with photos on a daily basis as well.

No further prospective flatmate news for the time being.

*

After an evening off watching Doug Stanhope in Glasgow it's back to Edinburgh today. This morning we awoke to The Scotsman's review of Sunday's show. And what do you know it's terrible. No real surprises. I am not surprised that a high-brow critic hated it. I've been reading Claire Black's one star reviews out loud on the bus to the other two all last week.

I've reprinted it here as you have to register to read it.

Trans-Canada Highway

*

CLAIRE BLACK


GREYFRIARS KIRK HOUSE (VENUE 28)

WHAT would make anyone pick a Canadian setting for their show when none of the cast can do a Canadian accent? Maybe they thought it would add quirky charm to the jokes. Maybe they thought the strength of the comedy would distract the audience from the fact that everyone (apart from Victoria who's an Australian hitching in Canada) sounds like they're from Anniesland rather than Alberta. Aiming to be surreal, this show's just weird, but not in a good way.

• Until 20 August. Today 8pm

To paraphrase David O'Doherty, what do stars matter? Jesus only had one star when he was born. Does that make him rubbish?

Funny, I never once thought it aimed to be surreal. And I don't think it was ever Victoria's intention either.

I wonder what difference it'll make to the second week's run. Apparently there are 17 pre-booked tickets for tonight, which would make for the biggest audience so far.

I expect a few of you are wondering what's been happening at my flat. Well, a guy called Paul came round on Saturday morning, saw the room and said he'd like to move in on the 26th. My outgoing flatmate and myself said, yeah fine and that was that.

Only the plum texted my flatmate today to say that he was 'no longer interested'. Note he used the word 'interested' after having said that he would move in. 'Interested'. Renting a room, especially when I'm not the landlord isn't like selling a house. I can't get lawyers involved and no point in getting them to sign a contract so that they'll move in when they say they will.

You just have to trust that people aren't timewasting dicks who think that their time is more important than yours. So turns out that Paul Gratton is one of those time wasting dicks. Misery waits for the cunt round every corner, I hope.

So while I am here if you are a non-time wasting dick and want a room in the west end of Glasgow for £240 a month, drop me a line.

Oh Dear

There is now a much more scathing review of the show on the Ed Fringe website.

Fringe Sunday

Sunday 13th August

Today was Fringe Sunday, where hundreds of acts play at the Meadows and all for free. The Fringe office estimate that 150,000 people would be dropping by. There were the usual selection of street perfomers, guys on big unicycles, escapologists and fire eaters. There were also a selction of tents for music and comedy.

I spent some time in the comedy tent and saw Jimeoin, an Irish comedian who relocated to Australia about ten years ago. He had his own TV show over there and also wrote for Eric Bana's sketch show. He was quite funny, in the short space of time he had. His best bit was how when you watch a band you can't hear the bass, but if you leave the venue you can hear the bass all the way up the road.

Next on was Dwight Slade. He's been doing comedy for decades, having started ut with Bill Hicks when they were both schoolkids. His experience showed, with a confident delivery, covering lots of topics in the 15 to 20 mins that he was on for. An excellent stage prescence he finished with a big set piece to music about driving with the radio on.

I left the Meadows to head for the Holyrood Tavern. I was taking part in a show called The Adventures of Bitter and Twisted. Starring Jem Jenkins-Jones and Owen Niblock, with the voice of Howard Read as the Narrator. It's a gothic, storytelling comedy with songs, talking badgers and evil rabbits.

I played an evil rabbit, though was so keen to ensure I didn't miss my cue I almost came in too early. When I was jumping about in the rabbit mask I suddenly realised that there was no slot to breathe through my mouth in. I had to try not to make any heavy wheezing sounds as I struggled for breath.

Anyway it's a fun little show and very different from a lot of things that you'll see on the festival.

As for our show, it was the best it's been. God knows where we got the audience from cos they laughed all the way through it. Lots of lines that previously had been falling flat got big laughs. The best night to have a critic in, though the fact it was well received by the audience won't sway the reviewer.

When we went for a drink afterwards we bumped into Alan Anderson and Scott Agnew. You just can't get away from Glasgow comedians here.

Graeme and I then went to a party at the Bedlam Theatre. It was pretty slow to get moving and even then we didn't really get into it.

We're on to a day off now and hopefully will come back fully charged for Tuesday.

Tits, Blood & Roasted Pepper and Tomato Soup

Saturday 12th August

I spent most of the day wandering around town.

I had a drink in the VIP bar at the Assembly Rooms. Marketed as an exclusive hang out for Fringe performers it was quiet enough and it was also £3.10 for a Bacardi and Coke.

I was politely ushered out of my big comfy seat by an American director who was about to lay into her cast. After I moved to a nearby table for her, she came over to ask for a piece of paper. "You can tell I'm a director, huh?"

Before our show I went in to see Tits and Blood by Neil Labute. It was performed by the Washington and Lee University Theater General Players, of which Labute is a member.

I like Labute's stuff, though they often have a strong misogynistic streak through them. This production was no different and I couldn't help thinking that a lot of the monologues were knocked out for shock purposes.

The play addressed the audience directly throughout and it centered around what was real and what was unreal. There is a cheeky twist to it as the actors turn the conceit on the audience. I spoke to a girl last night who had just come out of it and she was outraged that the play seemed to mock the audience and their intelligence.

However if you just watched as a play from the beginning and not as a real world piece, what you get out of it is a decent play with some good lines and an excellent cast.

Our show was attended by an audience of about 13 or 14. 9 of who had come to see me. They included the irrepressible Grant 'Are You Doing a Matinee?' Cadger. I was reminded of his sell out antics in the Gang Show at the Kings (in 1987) and the pressure was on for me to live up to that kind of class.

Tonight was a definite improvement on the previous nights and for my part I really enjoyed it. Whether the critics will remains to be seen. We're having a daft laugh on stage. Sometimes that translates to the audience and sometimes it doesn't.

I won't spoil it for anyone who is coming to see it, but in one scene I throw something onto the stage while in the wings. Tonight I decided to throw something completely different on. I realised it would probably make Graeme and Victoria laugh more than the audience, but I thought 'why not?' They managed to hold it together though.

The cafe had an excellent Roasted Pepper and Tomato soup on, though I had to explain what margarine was to the girl at the counter, with the use of mime and bread. The toilets at the venue are also out of order again.

Tommy got to see for himself Big Keith from The Office hitting the puggy hard in Rush. I speak the truth here.

As for anything else notable, I saw Alastair McGowan trip up outside our venue. I was also handed a flyer by two young American girls for their musical recital. "Come and see our show!" The proceeded to do this all along the Grassmarket, handing one to a homeless guy in the process. "Come and see our show!" I suspect that they have never seen a homeless person in their lives. I heard him mutter "Six pounds," before he threw the flyer away.

So we have Sunday night now and then we're off for a day. Apparently there is a reviewer coming tomorrow night. Hmmmm.

A Quick Fix

Friday 11th August

Graeme and I went through early this morning, getting the ten o’clock bus. I cannot, of course, afford the £400 a week rent in order to stay in Edinburgh for the duration of the show. I can barely afford the £40 a week that it costs to get from my flat in Hyndland to Edinburgh each day.

We went to see No Exit at the studio theatre in Greyfriars Kirk House. The Jean-Paul Satre play was being performed by Grenofen Productions. The cast, though based in St Andrews, are international, hailing from America, New Zealand and Kent.

The play contains perhaps Satre’s most famous line – “Hell is other people”. The production was very well done. The three actors were first class. All of them are onstage throughout the 70 minute running time. The stage set up allowed audience members to actually be seated on the stage. Of course we opted to sit a few rows back. It’s quite an intense play and it held my interest throughout.

When Victoria arrived we went to sit in the Meadows as we attempted to repair our troubled scene. After a while we came up with something that we thought was funnier than what is already there. Perhaps it makes less sense, but I think that it is funnier.

We then bought the relevant props, went back to the venue and ran through the scene in the cellar, while a show went on above us.

After Wednesday and Thursday night’s shows Victoria and Graeme are now wishing things could be as good as it was on Tuesday. That evening was of course a minor disaster, but is now been viewed as halcyon days.

I think the ‘fix’ to the scene worked in one sense. It added a couple of laughs to a passage that had none. I’m still not sure it helps the scene’s direction and the most worrying aspect, it trims several minutes off the show’s run time.

The cast and director of No Exit sat in the front row. I found that slightly intimidating. What we’re doing is about as far removed from a Satre play as you can get.

For the first time I had a bunch of folk in the audience. They enjoyed the performances, but felt, for one thing that the show was very short.

In my opinion, I think the trouble scene needs to be extended a little more, or have an epilogue added to it, as it feels somewhat incomplete.

But it’s onwards and upwards. Saturday and Sunday to go before our day off.

It Can Only Get Better, Eh?

Thursday 10th August

Graeme and I went through ahead of Victoria who was meeting up with Lelita, the PR girl.

We can get in to see all the shows at the Paradise Green venues for nothing. It’s mainly theatre shows, so it’s not all up my street really, but we went to a couple anyway.

First off we saw, Help I’m a Teenager Get Me Out of Here! The show is performed and devised by the K6 Collective, a company of young actors from the Kett Sixth Form in Norwich.

Ant and Dec present binge drinking in the jungle. It’s intended to tour for young people to warn them of the dangers of alcohol. For an adult audience it is quite entertaining. There are a few laughs, the set design is very well done and the space is well used. The actors were uniformly excellent.

It managed to avoid the Legs Akimbo style of ‘message for kids’ theatre and it was a first class example of its genre.

We watched David McSavage put on an improvised show outside the Comedy Rooms to promote his 6pm gig. He does a bit of musical comedy and was very fuuny. His act mainly involved ridiculing passers by.

Though if Victoria is reading this by ‘we watched David McSavage’ I of course mean ‘we handed out flyers to many interested punters’.

We then went to see Behind Closed Doors. There is quite a clever technique in the production. Three audience members go onto the stage and watch the show from letterboxes behind closed doors. At certain points, the lead actress asks the people there, for a yes or no response as to what she should do next. Based on the consensus the play turns one way or the other.

Victoria and Lelita, our PR girl, were two of the three, along with a guy who looked like Napoleon Dynamite’s geeky younger brother. Now, let’s face it Graeme and I are behaving like a pair of giggling schoolboys throughout most of this Festival. So it was no surprise that we both nearly lost it during this serious production, when we could see Victoria’s headband popping up thru the letterbox.

The play begins with a girl being neglected by her mother at home and it ends in an S & M club. Victoria and Lelita enjoyed it, but it wasn’t for Graeme or me.

We had 14 in the door this evening, which isn’t that bad. I got chatting to a girl called Katharyne Harrnacker outside the venue who came in and sat in the front row. She has two plays on in there next week, Retail Paradise Princess and Out of a Suitcase.

In the two small venues there’s a spirit of supporting one another’s shows. We were stopped on the street by a cast member from Behind Closed Doors earlier in the day reminding us that they came to see us so we were due to go see thyem.

For our troubled scene we decided to switch positions on stage. We also decided to ‘improvise’, though this mainly just meant that no one was sure who was saying what next.

The audience really didn’t go for it. The silence was piercing.

The last couple of scenes get their laughs. Graeme and I basically play two real life cartoon characters in the penultimate scene and in the last one I get the privilege of coming on in costume, dressed as I am, as a polar bear. Funnily I quite enjoy being in there. Cos you’re in a daft costume, simple little movements get laughs.

We went to drown our sorrows again in Rush. When we got there we discovered a stand-up night full of Glasgow comedians. One of whom was Jason Arnstein who write and performs in Sabotage. Another was Viv Gee. Viv is in a play called Falling For Grace at the Café Royale and we arranged to go see each other’s shows.

Big Keith from The Office was in again, giving the puggy a good hammering.

Another Review

Another member of the audience has left a brief review on the Ed Fringe website.

The Even Difficulter Third Night

Wednesday 9th August

Victoria wanted to hit it hard with the flyering today. Of course Graeme and I wanted to hit it hard with the fannying about. We intended to see a show, but in the end didn’t manage to squeeze one in.

I’ve mainly been taking photographs on the Royal Mile, rather than handing out flyers. Lelita the PR girl is arriving tomorrow though, so hopefully we should see some sort of increase in the Trans-Canada Highway profile.

I’ve taken to having a bowl of soup before I go on, in the venue’s vegetarian café. Although the food is nice, the service is absolutely terrible. The toilets were also out of order all day. They were only just repaired, as we were about to go on.

It was more of a theatre crowd that was in tonight, as we had Caroline’s ‘Behind Closed Doors’ lot in. They filled the whole front row, only notable because up til now no one has sat in the front row. I make the point of saying ‘theatre crowd’ as I don’t think our kind of screwball comedy is their scene. Having said that they did laugh in places.

From our perspective the general consensus was that tonight was even worse than last night. Although there were laughs, a lot of it was met with silence.

We’re now looking at ways to fix the second scene, which seems to be the one that’s falling flat. I’ve suggested that Graeme and I swap parts. Victoria’s been brainstorming to think of anything that can inject a bit more life into it.

When we were in Rush in the Cowgate afterwards the Hearts game was on the telly. Although punters and bar staff were watching it, the pub still had thumping rock music on (well, Guns N Roses and Dire Straits), so the game had subtitles.

As it was a live match the subtitles are obviously done as the commentators are speaking. I’m not sure whoever was writing it was a football fan. This made for some unintentionally funny captions.

“I don’t think that was a file. He went down looking for it.”

“I thought he was going to go with his assistant and award her throat.”

“Hearts get the thrall on the far side.”

I saw a few celebrities today. Comedians Dominic Holland, Owen O’Neill and Scott Cappuro all walking about town. I also spotted Amy Lane from Celebrity Fit Club (though I’m not sure what she actually does that made her a celebrity in the first place) at a cash machine and Ewan ‘Big Keith’ Macintosh from The Office, in Rush, alternatively playing the puggy and having his photograph taken with the bar staff.

The First Review

We've been reviewed by a member of the public on the Fringe website. They have perhaps been over-generous with the stars.

The Difficult Second Night

Tuesday 8th August

It seems that most folk reading this are more interested in my flat share troubles, than in the show. Just to update you all, despite telling my current flatmate at least four times that I’m unavailable for two weeks, he’s been texting and leaving me notes asking when I can be available to let folk look at the room.

I did get an e-mail from an 18 year old girl enquiring about the room. I replied letting her know that I was not 18, and haven’t heard from her since.

So back to Edinburgh and the show. On the bus through I sat back with my CD Player and let the 60 year old with 3 fingers missing and the gang tattoos tell Graeme and Victoria about his days running with the street gangs.

Our PR girl doesn’t seem to have made much of a dent in the media coverage market. She hasn’t even been through to Edinburgh so far. First of all claiming illness, now apparently she won’t come along unless she gets travel expenses. She’s travelling from Clydebank.

We’re cross flyering with Caroline’s show Behind Closed Doors. They certainly seem to be doing better than us in terms of getting an audience. Though that could have something to do with Caroline and the other girls flyering in fetish gear.

We wandered around town handing out flyers. Though to be fair I mainly wisecracked while Victoria handed out some. Graeme dished out a few as well, but grew self conscious when I commented that in his strong Glaswegian accent his sales pitch sounded like “Come moan an’ see oor show. It’ll be brill’nt”. Okay scary man.

Victoria seemed quite nervous this evening, as some of her former workmates were coming along. I say ‘seemed’ but ‘told us repeatedly’ would be more accurate.

So the second night, will it match up to the standards of the opening show?

Naw. Tonight was a shambles.

It was a bit flat in places and again there was quite a lot of corpsing. I think the two of them are tiring of my Mr. Pink style “Am I the only professional?” rants.

The scene in the middle of the show seems to be the problem. My only involvement in that scene is throwing a prop onstage, though that seems to be one of the major causes of cast crack-up.

Lines weren’t so much missed as in all the wrong places. This caused me to worry at one point that a ten-minute scene was about to last 2 minutes as we had jumped over several minutes of dialogue. Graeme controlled it well, going back and covering it all.

The audience numbered around 12 and most of them laughed in a lot of the right places.

My shaved chest has now turned into a blotchy red rash.

Now Public

Some of my photographs have been taken up by Now Public Dot Com for their Edinburgh Festival coverage. Though of course you can see them all on my Flickr page.

The Opening Night

Monday 7th August

We travelled through to Edinburgh in the afternoon with a few of the props and odds and ends.

There was a lot of hanging about and sitting in offices as the last of the paperwork was finalised. Victoria seemed a bit stressed out by the whole day.

The Royal Mile was jam packed with street performers and people flyering.

After a drink in Greyfriar’s Bobby pub we looked for somewhere to go over our lines one last time. We went for Greyfriars Kirk, finding a Shakespeare in the Graveyard style show just starting we walked deeper into the Kirk grounds. Until, that was, we came across a junkies’ den. We decanted to the Meadows and ran the lines once more.

Personally I hate going over the lines at the last minute if it’s not completely necessary. I prefer to forget about it util showtime.

After that Graeme and I had a feeble attempt at handing out flyers, as Victoria discovered that half the set failed the PAT testing.

As for flyering as I protested there were guys on the Royal Mile juggling chainsaws. How can we compete with that?

So to opening night. We had an attendance of 8. Apparently the average audience of a Fringe show is 7, so not too bad for the first night.

There were laughs all throughout the show, which was good. A few things of course went wrong, mainly with props and forgetting to put things where they should be on the stage.

Graeme also had an instance of corpsing, but we quickly got it back on track.

The finale means that I have a quick costume change, but it was worth it as the audience seemed to like it.

All in all it was a pretty good opening night.

We went for a cheap drink in the Cowgate afterwards to celebrate. Here’s to the next 12 shows.

This is More About Renting a Room in my Flat

Sunday 6th August
This blog is supposed to be about the Edinburgh Festival and I don't want to turn it into a rant about prospective flatmates not reading flat advertisments properly but...

Brad turned up, wearing his jacket round his waste like a kilt, to discover that his student staus wasn't what the flat was looking for. Two folk didn't turn up and the only other guy that did, ignored me in order to speak to my current flatmate in Chinese. When he did find it appropriate to speak to me, it became obvious that he'd ignored most of the advert and seemed put out that I couldn't alter things like council tax and the entry date to suit him.

I would have thought that when you read a flat ad, you see what criteria suits you and what doesn't. Based on that you then phone or don't phone about the room. But naw, it appears that folk out there think I'm trying to do them a great big favour and they can change the stuff in the ad they don't like to suit themselves.

I would also have thought one of the first things to remember when you're meeting someone you might move in with, is don't piss them off within the first minute of meeting them.

Funnily enough the advert doesn’t read: “Dear plums of Glasgow, looking for a flat tailored to your needs? Want to ignore or be obnoxious to your new roommate from the word go? Want to be indignant when things don’t go quite the way you want them to? Then call me, Tom, cos I’m allowing you to do me a big favour by letting you waste big chunks of time.”

But back on topic, the last rehearsal involved ironing out a couple of the weaker moments and trying to find a way to satisfactorily end the show.

I had suggested sticking in an extra rehearsal after the dress, as I imagined logitical problems may arise from it. This does mean however that we missed going to the opening night party and my chance to hob-nob with folk like Les Dennis.

Foolishly a couple of weeks ago in rehearsal I came up with a throwaway line which means I have to shave my chest. So, if you’ll excuse me…

The Dress Rehearsal

Saturday 5th August
After a run through at O’Neills in Glasgow we made our first trip over to Edinburgh with Graeme taking on the gruelling task of driving. First we had to stop off in Cambusbarron outside Stirling in order to pick up Caroline, our lighting and sound operator. Caroline is rehearsing with Switch Theatre from Camden for Behind Closed Doors, which is on at Augustine’s, the sister venue of where we’re on.

The most amusing moment of the journey for me was when Victoria asked Graeme what The Ladyboys of Bangkok was all about. He replied deadpan “It’s just a bunch of lads taking it easy”.

Greyfriars Kirk House, the venue we are performing at, is a soup kitchen 11 months of the year. It’s quite a small venue, the room we’re in seats only 40 but it’s certainly suitable for what we’re doing. There’s a vegetarian café there, but no bar and there’s a slightly larger studio venue upstairs. A basic black box theatre there is a decent sized dressing room which is adorned with Hearts posters.

Just as we were about to get started I received a phone call. I’m advertising a room in my flat at the moment as my flatmate is moving out. When I picked up I was met by an American voice. Brad. Brad wanted to know a few things about the flat. For one did I smoke? No. For another was I straight? Um, yes. Good. Cos so is Brad. Any pets? Er, no. Great. How high up is it? It better not be the ground floor, because Brad has a lot of computer equipment and the ground makes him nervous. “Okay Tom, you tick all my boxes”. Yeah, funny that Brad cos you tick none of mine. Still he’s coming to look at the room tomorrow morning. He needn’t bother, as I can guarantee him he’s not moving in. This is what happens when you invite strangers to call you.

The run through had the usual hazards these things have. Using all the props for the first time the timing was slightly off and there’s always something you’ve never quite sure what to do with. The CD of musical cues didn’t work, which is a bit of a problem, but I guess we’ll wing it come opening night. Caroline seems to be a professional though, which makes one of us.

The show doesn’t quite have an ending as yet, although we know that it will involve a polar bear, somehow.

We stopped off for chips in Corstorphine on the way back to Glasgow. Victoria managed to upset the woman in the chippie by requesting tomato sauce for her chips. It's Edinburgh, it's brown sauce or nothing.

Two Days to Go

I'm in a play called Trans Canada Highway. It's a comedy and it's on at Greyfriars Kirk House at 8pm every evening from 7th August to the 20th, except for the 14th.

You can find out more about the play and the venue by clicking the links on the right.

Today's the first day we're going to Edinburgh as we have a dress rehearsal this evening from 6.30pm. That's about all the news for now, I'll be back when I have something more interesting to say.